Empowering Advice , July 20, 2008
"Words hurt. Words destroy. Words can kill a
relationship." ~ pg. 66
"how to improve your marriage without talking about it"
is not about a lack of communication, it is about more effective
communication and an understanding of how fear and shame factor
into a healthy relationship. From the minute I read the first
page, this book started to make perfect sense. This book has many
stories of couples in trouble and in each case the authors show
how the problem is not about communication it is about
disconnection.
Since men feel worse when discussing problems and women feel
better, how can both partners feel satisfied? The authors show
ways that women can reduce the triggering of shame in men and they
show men how to reduce the triggering of fear in women.
To begin the discussion the authors show how marriage problems are
actually a result of conditioning as a child. Boys are taught to
suppress emotions while girls are rewarded for being emotional. In
their discussions of how children are raised they give some good
advice for parenting.
There is a revealing list of ways to shame a man that helps women
to realize what they are doing wrong when they do talk to a man.
There is also some good advice on dealing with anger and
resentment. This book encourages you to take an honest look at
your life to see if you can make more time for your relationship.
Instead of talking, have more sex. Could it be that easy? At the
end of the book there is a secret formula to create more love in
your relationship. Throughout this book there are many insights
that will nurture your relationship. I tried quite a few ideas and
they all worked in my own relationship.
So if you are tired of talking and you want to find ways to
connect that are less verbal then this book may help. In the end,
you still have to have good communication skills to make a
marriage work, but giving a hug is a lot better than criticizing
or making a partner feel fear or shame. According to this book,
talking about your problems just makes things worse. Compassion,
love and a deeper understanding of your partner's vulnerabilities
can make things better.
~The Rebecca Review
Save Your Marriage
If you have thirty minutes to an hour to read this book and do
the exercises you could be on your way to feeling better fast.
Claire Hatch has a plan that works to simply melt your resentment
away. She explains how resentment is undermining your relationship
and what to do about it. There are many warning signs like perhaps
you are becoming more irritated with your husband than normal.
Maybe you don't feel understood or are always fighting. Claire
also explains why women remember all of the negative things that
happen in a marriage. Basically in this book Claire walks the
reader through a step-by-step process to find relief. She also
gently guides you in what to say to your husband for the most
positive response. She also teaches women to get straight to the
point for more effective communication. I really think this book
will be useful to you and in a short time you will have a better
relationship with your husband. After all, isn't that what you
really crave? This book will lead you in the direction of more
quality time and more relaxed communication.
~The Rebecca Review
Love Busters
A Realistic Look at Marriage Today, September
28, 2009
"If you want to be in love with each other, you should place
far more importance on mutual enjoyment than on trying to follow
through on commitments that cause one of you to suffer." ~
pg. 214
Staying married can at times be very difficult in our modern age.
You may feel like throwing your hands up and taking the easier
route: divorce. If divorce is however not a feasible option for
you then "Love Busters" may have a lot to offer.
Willard F. Harley, Jr. explains the dynamics at work in the
typical relationship. He explains how our internal
"taker" or "giver" encourages a variety of
positive and negative behaviors. Throughout the book he gives
real-life examples from his own practice. These are very revealing
and help to paint a portrait of a successful or unsuccessful
relationship.
Some of the topics in this book include a serious discussion about
radical honesty, a revealing look at annoying habits and an
extremely helpful look at financial conflicts.
Whether you are constantly arguing with your partner or you are in
a new relationship that you hope will be successful, this book has
a lot of good advice. I would especially recommend this book to
newlyweds who want to beat the odds and stay married. You can
either learn everything in this book from personal experience (the
hard way) or you can use the wisdom in this book to build a very
strong relationship.
~The Rebecca Review
Communication Code
Communication 101 for Christian Couples, June
24, 2008
"The key to motivating another person is meeting that
person's deepest need - love for her and respect for him!" ~
pg. 134
Whether you are in a fairly good marriage or in one that is
falling apart, "Cracking the Communication Code" has a
lot to offer. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs backs up his points with
plenty of scripture references and gives advice based on wisdom
gained from experience. He places an emphasis on listening,
decoding, forgiveness, unconditional love and being thankful for
your spouse. The main sections of the book include:
A Summary of the "Love & Respect" book authored by
Dr. Emerson
Three Vital Truths for Better Communication
The Crazy Cycle: A Relentless Enemy of Marital Communication
The Energizing Cycle: To Better Communicate, Meet Your Spouse's
Need
The Rewarded Cycle: The Unconditional Dimension of Communication
Dr. Emerson explains how couples get into cycles and shows how you
can escape destructive patterns by showing respect and love. If
you are fighting all the time then you are spending most of your
time in the "Crazy Cycle." Couples who are giving love
and respect are in the "Energizing Cycle." For those
fighting to save their marriage through unconditional love, the
"Rewarded Cycle" shows the way to conflict resolution
and reconciliation.
This book is filled with inspiring stories of couples who have
used these teachings to their advantage. At the end of the book
there is a special section for couples who want to improve their
relationship by speaking to each other as Jesus would. Imagining
Jesus standing next to your partner can be a way to monitor your
speech.
Most of the advice is for couples who want to learn to speak each
other's language and who want to avoid fights. I did not feel that
this book would be as useful in a very abusive relationship where
someone is in danger. This is mostly for couples who are willing
to work at their marriages together, although there is plenty of
advice for anyone seeking to save their marriage on their own.
~The Rebecca Review
Give and Take
Why Bliss Turns Into a Battle, October 17,
2009
"...people fall in love when their emotional needs are met.
They fall out of love when those needs are no longer met."
Willard F. Harley, Jr. presents one of the most well thought out
theories on why marriages go from bliss to a battle. I've read a
lot of marriage books over the last ten years and this one is the
best I've read. I'm amazed this doesn't have hundreds of reviews.
Throughout the book Willard F. Harley, Jr. guides you through the
stages of one marriage's recovery. The couple goes from a state of
withdrawal to a state of intimacy after following his excellent
advice.
In "Give and Take" you will finally understand the
causes of marital disharmony and what to do about them. In this
book you will learn how to adapt to marital needs as they change
over time. I felt that there was some excellent advice about
dealing with anger which can be deadly to any marriage.
So why do people who once loved each other end up feeling intense
hate? Is it simply because selfishness takes over? That is part of
the problem but what really made sense was Willard F. Harley,
Jr.'s ideas about how each one of us has an internal
"taker" and "giver." When we are in love the
giver seems to be in charge and when we fall out of love the taker
seems in charge. By balancing the desires of the giver and taker
we can find harmony in intimate relationships.
I read marriage books constantly because I think they are one of
the keys to staying married. This book goes beyond teaching basic
communication skills and really gets to the heart of the matter. I
can highly recommend this book to you if you are in a marriage
where you feel you are likely to divorce because you are in a
state of withdrawal. If you think intimacy is not possible then
you will be impressed by the dramatic recovery one couple goes
through in this book.
~The Rebecca Review
10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage
An Analysis of Ten Couples' Interactions, September
28, 2009
"10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage" is based on the
interactions of ten couples who are concerned about their
marriages and are willing to do what it takes to create more
harmony and love in their relationship. This book shows
ineffective and effective communications as recorded in a
"love lab" set up by John and Julie Gottman.
Each chapter begins with some background about the couple and then
proceeds into a section where the couple has a real-life
conversation. This discloses the main problems in the relationship
and then John and Julie Gottman give their analysis on the
situation.
Here are the situations these couples find themselves in:
Mike and Maria need to lose weight and find time to nurture their
relationship
Candace and David are recovering from David's affair and Candace
wants to know she is #1
Sam is a workaholic and Katie wants him to spend more time with
her
Marilyn and Bob have developed communication problems since Bob
has been retired
Steve and Denise want to go on a dream vacation to India
Kevin and Suzanne have financial problems and Kevin is depressed
Craig and Beth are caught up in an argument about dividing up
household chores
Jack and Maureen feel their relationship lacks passion
Ron and Melissa don't have time for each other
Terry wants stability while Amanda lives for excitement
Do you see any similarities in the problems these couples are
facing and the ones you have in your own marriage? By reading this
book you will realize what is detrimental to your relationship and
what to do to solve recurring problems.
I like that all of these couples were willing to make changes so
they had more effective communication. It really was as simple as
developing some new communication skills.
If you have noticed an increase in criticism, defensiveness,
contempt or stonewalling you could be headed for divorce. This
book could help you analyze your own relationship and find
creative solutions so you can remain married to the person you
love.
Here are some additional books I've found helpful in my own
marriage:
Cracking
the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate's
Language
How
to Get Your Husband to Talk to You
The
Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your
Mate
Love
& Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He
Desperately Needs
For
Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
Men
Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to
Understanding the Opposite Sex
The
Love Dare
The
Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your
Relationship by Doing Less
7
Stages of Marriage: Laughter, Intimacy and Passion Today,
Tomorrow, Forever
The
Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's
Heart Forever
~The Rebecca Review
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail
Beware the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, December
9, 2009
John Gottman is famous for his marriage laboratory where he
observes interactions between couples and analyzes their reactions
and conversations. He has observed so many couples that he can now
tell you with great certainty which couples will survive and which
couples will divorce.
In this particular book he focuses on three marriage styles:
validating, volatile and avoidant. In each case he explains the
strengths and weaknesses and what happens to each marriage as it
spirals downward. Can some couples fight quite often and be
happier than a more complacent couple? Apparently fighting is not
the problem, it is how you fight and how many positive
interactions you have to outweigh the negatives.
"Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" is mostly a book about
how to fight fair. There is good advice about how you should avoid
certain instinctive behaviors (what you think of saying first -
usually damaging) and choose a more carefully worded response
during an argument.
I liked the information about how men and women react differently
and how they desire different outcomes. Some men just want peace
and quiet when they come home while some women really just want to
know they are attractive and loved. John Gottman gets to the heart
of the matter and explains what people actually want. Throughout
the book there are real-life conversations which make the points
very clear.
I can recommend this book to all married couples as it has some
pertinent information about "The Four Horseman of the
Apocalypse." This may sound scary but you should know what to
expect when you start to be too critical, express contempt, become
too defensive or start to stonewall. These are signs that your
marriage may end in divorce sooner than you expect.
~The Rebecca Review
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